Hola 2018

2016, seen me made my big and drastic decisions without any planning. From resigning my job but it does not lasted long he3 (not to say I'm a workaholic) to making another decision to work at the Kingdom of Wonder.

 When I first got offered, I was asking myself can I do this? I didn't really tell my family until I sent out my resume and told my dad, this came twice I think I should give a try, either my dad support my decision and even he didn't agree I will still go. (To those who knows me know I am a stubborn)

This was second opportunity opened by this dear kakak (you know who you are) at the end of 2016, I said to myself, what the heck just go besides it is only 6 months which turned into 1 year now. Opportunity does not come thrice. So I begin my journey for 2017 at the Kingdom of Wonder.

2017. Whats with you? From happiness, to experienced almost bad depression to almost jobless at the foreign land (which at that point I'm not ready to go back). Experienced my first Raya Aidilfitri and Aidiladha as a perantau. It was another roller coster year for me, full of bitter coffee and condense milk:)

2017 turned me to a blunt person. Which I didn't really control what I had on my mind. I will just said what I feel without filter. To whom I might offended I'm sorry for it. 2017 also crushed my heart and hope repeatedly. I lost my muse completely.

2017, witnessed strangers became friends and it is like you knew them for ages and friends became stranger. 2017 also gave me the opportunity to be part of two big families (work families he3). 2017 sees some other changes in me too. I had my first hair color, learned to cook, cleaning house every 3 days, (never really did this is KL lol) and my survival in changing for betterment.

Who say it was easy living at the foreign land on your own, there wasn't a manual to survive but this is what you have to pay for your decision. Not to say I'm complaining, look at the bright side if I didn't make this choice at the first place, I might not have the chance to meet new people and traveling, experienced other culture. And obviously communication barrier. It was the funniest bit in my life journey here as you will discover your vocab might not be the same what people understand.

2017, I have learned some things with you. There are things that other sees and I didn't. People sees the negativity bubble surrounded me that I didn't even realize it. And I also learned if you see someone is turning negative never say you are negative to that individual please. Believed me it will make him or her more negative. Change him or her with a wise action. Always ask what is wrong not just put a distance between you with him or her.

I also learned back in Malaysia there are peoples worried about my well being. They are the friends I wish to keep with me. Thank you for being my shadow (those shadows, know who you are) without me knowing and please stay that way despite I can be really stubborn and royal pain in the ass :)

As the year end and emerge to the new year,  I'm still here in the land full of Wonder, trying to gain back my strength to stand back at my own feet. It was not easy to find my muse back. It will take time but eventually I will surely pass it. All I need is to believe in myself. It does not take a blink of an eye to change.

As Richard Branson said H.A.P.P.I.N.E.S.S is not a goal it should be a habit. Habit is something you can't leave without. May the year 2018 will be fill with more love and glory. Happy New Year peeps:)

P/s: Im still in the new year mood hence that is why I just posted this.

Some momentous from 2017.

The Thought

Lately been getting articles on depression and suicide and triggered me to write this post. Crisis is always almost temporary. It depends on how you want to tackle it. Some really can take it really bad, some will just shut themselves off  and face it later and when you overcome it, it is actually just another drama you have in life that make you grow up.

Suicidal thought, depression what is that? Having emotion and mental condition is something that we should be concern but that does not means you are a defect. There are many reasons for having this thought and the ability to face the pain is different from one to another individual.

Human emotions and feelings are not fixed. What you feel today might not be the same as yesterday nor tomorrow. It is always easy to put blame on others, leave in denial or even end it rather than to face it. I have to admit at times the thought does come back but ending life is not a solution, take a deep breath, in hale and ex hale when you have this thought. 

When you are the state thinking of ending your life, think again what are the things you have yet to achieve. Always call someone, don't keep it to yourself (I know it is not easy to pour it out compared to typing it), build a support system, one thing I learned never depend on one person as the disappointment when you can't reach out can make you feel more freaking worse as you will feel that you are all alone (when it is not true)  Do things that can makes you happy and change your thinking. Most important, always seek the guide from the Creator, He listens to your pray no matter how bad you are in life. Be more open so whenever you feel hopeless it can nurture your thought to positive vibes.There are more colors to see in life.

Queen Of My Heart

Mama, if you are alive today you will be celebrating your 59th birthday but Allah loves you more. You left us so sudden 14th years ago but your presence are still felt deep in me. Some said I need to learn to let go and move as you are no longer around.

When you are gone things are not the same. I've tried to do what you used to do but it was not as easy as I know as sometimes what works for you might not work for me. 

I still remember how I kept answered you back when I don't like to do what you asked me to do. Until one point I feel like I might be adopted kid or something because I will always be the one you look if the 2 kiddos do trouble and you never asked them to do much as me.

I've realized what you have wanted me to learned. I'm thankful for your lessons and guidance though you thought me the hard way. You have thought me to be independent at a very young age but I'm still being spoiled in some way he3. You thought me to be open minded, your thinking is always different from the rest. You have your own principle. Even every time I argued with Pa, he will always said I'm like you, wants everything my way. You are also the one who actually make me open up. I still remember how you look for a 'boy friend' for me to be friend so that I won't be anti social. 

Sometimes I envy all my friends who still have their mom. I wish I could still have you with us. Spot checking what I'm doing, asking have I gone home from work, asking if have I eaten. I wish I have more time with you so that we can have mother daughter day out, go and do all the girlish stuffs together but I guess Allah really loves you more.

Mama it has been 7 months I left our nest and live on my own and if you are alive now,  I know you will support what I want to do and continue to encourage me. Your favorite line 'cuci otak' this is what I'm doing Ma.

Mama you will always be in my heart. May you found peace there. 

Al-Fatihah.

Bila Emosi Mula Berkuasa

Bukan semua yang kita lakukan itu sentiasa betul, namun boleh jadi apa yang kita fikir salah, itu adalah terbaik buat waktu itu, masa itu.

Bila emosi merajai hati,  hati dan fikiran mula tidak akan berjalan selari. Kita akan berada di dalam keadaan rapuh. Rasa ingin disayangi, rasa merindui, rasa marah, dendam dan cemburu, segala rasa positif dan negatif mula muncul sekali sehingga kita keliru.

Setiap kesalahan kita tundingkan kepada orang lain, kita mula merungut, cuba membuat orang fahami diri kita sedaya upaya. Hubungan mula rapuh, tali persaudaraan dan persahabatan putus, sedangkan kita lupa untuk melihat diri kita, luar dan dalam, kekurangan diri kita.

Kadang-kala yang kita perlukan adalah sedikit masa sendirian, merenung apakah  kesalahan kita, kekurangan diri kita dan cuba baiki.

Sahut cabaran dan ubahkan kekurangan itu menjadi kelebihan. Memang bukan mudah tetapi kadang-kala kita perlu belajar untuk mengawal emosi. Mungkin apa yang kita lihat itu mudah, tetapi bahu yang memikul itu lebih mengetahui. Bukan semua orang boleh memikul beban yang sama kita pikul.

Bila emosi mula merajai, ambik masa sejenak dan dekatkan diri pada yang Maha Esa. Jangan biarkan nafsu menguasai diri sehingga kita hidup dalam penyesalan.

Ingatan Buat Diri Ini

Emosi dan minda sentiasa tidak berjalan seiring. Aku mungkin nampak tersenyum tetapi di dalam hati hanya Dia yang mengetahui. Hanya yang betul-betul mengenali diri ini tahu apa yang aku lalui. 

Aku masih tertanya-tanya, dimanakah silap aku atau mungkin aku terlalu inginkan perhatian dan keinginan merasakan secebis kasih sayang. Kerana ini, aku lupa untuk menyayangi diri sendiri dan melukakan diriku tanpa ku sedari. Aku tidak mengharapkan banyak hanya sekadar untuk aku tahu bahawa aku punya tempat bersandar saat aku memerlukan. Namun aku juga sedar, walaupun kadang-kala terlambat yang aku tak sentiasa betul dan bila aku mengaku kesalahan aku, it is a huge step for me.

Ya hidup ini penuh dengan segala kemungkinan. Kemungkinan untuk gembira dan kemungkinan untuk kecewa. Itulah asam garam hidup. Everything is possible. Rasa kehilangan pasti akan ada bila yang rapat dengan kita menjauh atau pergi. Kita mungkin akan rasa tersakiti atau disakiti. Namun kita harus ingat Allah.S.W.T. itu adalah sebaik baik perancang. Mungkin dia ditakdirkan untuk hadir sekejap dalam hidup kita untuk mewarnai dairi perjalanan hidup kita.

Cubalah bertahan wahai diri dan terus mewarnai hidup insan-insan disekeliling dengan memberi kasih sayang yang ikhlas. Walauapapun ingat Allah itu ada untuk anda. La Tahzan.

A Stupid Act

It is our human nature to make mistake but the important thing is how strong are you or do you have the guts to admit your wrongdoings. It is always easy to blame others rather than admit it was your mistake.

Situation can be out of hand and it might not go as what you've planned but not everyone understands it. One stupid mistake can cause you a lot. You might lost a friend, family but life is cruel at times and that is what making you stronger and grow mature.

The art of moving on is to forgive and forget. The moment the grunge is still within you it will be the ghost that haunts you till you decide to forgive and forget.

Sometimes you just need to close one eye when someone dear to you did a mistake as you know she or him better. You will know what to do even her or his act might hurt you.

It is not easy to act as easy for us to say I know that. When you learn to let go, you eventually have moved on.

I'll end this entry with the song below.
#forgiveandforget

Where Are You?

Demanding client, pestering family, playful friends is the condiments that spices up my adventure. It had made me realize I still have a lot to learn.

Knowing the typical me, BUT will always be an excuse for me to procrastinate. It has also made me felt how small my brain is that I could no longer think beyond.  My focus is everywhere, no more fun. There is always reasons for not performing.I felt I'm no longer the me that I used to be.

At this hour, I kept thinking what do I actually want?  I've been using no time as an excuse all this while to keep me stay in my comfort zone when I suppose to seek for opportunity to do my best and be the best.

Maybe it's the time again to pause and think and make use of my brain and gut feelings.